I realized today that I’ve written 109 (well I guess 110 now) long-form posts on shutdownhook.com since February 2021, the month I quit my job at Adaptive Biotechnologies and updated my LinkedIn bio to “Retired?” (now it’s got an exclamation point). That’s about two a month; sometimes more, sometimes less. Not bad.
I do link my posts on social media, and I love it when one strikes a chord with folks. But mostly I write for myself — a deal I made with the lazy part of me that would be happy to sit on the porch with a Coke Zero and just watch the world slide by. “You can retire, as long as you keep building and learning and trying new stuff.” Writing down that “stuff” gives it shape, and helps me calibrate whether I’m spending my gift of time well (or, sometimes, not).
I do like the writing part, too. A different form of creation, transforming a jumble of experiences and ideas into an efficient, coherent progression of words that tell their story. Somewhere around one or two thousand words usually does the trick. My friend Claude put together this little timeline of my posts (click for an interactive version):
Pretty cool, but it also highlights a slight but steady decline in frequency, especially over the past two years. Some of that is just time spent on other projects that may land on the gallery or book journal or (gasp) offline altogether. But that’s not the whole story.
Quieting
On the positive side, I think it mirrors a general “quieting” of my life that I’m a big fan of. I talk a lot less than I used to (Lara who has to live with me all the time now may disagree) — to the point where if I spend much time actively engaging with people it leaves me physically hoarse and exhausted.
This is a little weird after a decades-long career in an industry known for being loud and interruptive and full of voices. I thrived in that setting, but I like the alternative a lot. My ex-colleagues may derive some measure of amusement from this.
It’s not about less intensity or enthusiasm or fun or depth; it’s just different. It sounds so woo-woo I’m embarrassed to write it down, but the conversations and debates I used to have with people, I find myself having with wood, physics, nature, computers, animals, beaches, books, plants… it’s kind of neat.
Garden Party
I’m also writing less about “the old days,” except when some specific lesson or event has bearing on something new. I’ve heard loud and clear that folks love to hear about old Microsoft and the dot com days, and I get that — there are some great stories.
But like Ricky Nelson, I’m just more interested in looking forward than looking back. That’s why I moved to the West Coast in the first place, and why I jumped from industry to industry, and why I retired to explore new corners of the world. “If memories were all I sang, I’d rather drive a truck.” Although to be fair, “driving a truck” actually sounds super-fun too. Next month I’ll be road-tripping a cargo van across the USA; not quite the same but maybe a taste.
Of course there’s comfort and satisfaction in looking back, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I love beers with old friends, swapping stories and carping about kids these days. But I’ve seen too many people become frozen in time — the “old days” morph from real history into idealized fantasies that don’t serve anybody. Especially at a time when super-freaking old folks are clinging with their fingers and toes to political power.
Toxic Commons
Which brings me to the last, and most negative, thing slowing me down — a deep and real disillusionment with the state of our country. I try hard to separate my daily explorations from the endless stream of crazy news, but it doesn’t always work. And it probably shouldn’t, because what’s going on now is fundamentally sad, unnecessary and destructive.
It’s not all about “politics,” although the politicians and influencers have certainly figured out how to capitalize. It’s about an ignorant, petty mob of children vandalizing civilization and progress — far, far closer to the Red Guards than anything remotely American.
Actually, I keep finding myself using that term “American” as it has lived in my head since I was a kid. But I have to remind myself — WE voted for this, twice. WE are continuing to support it. WE love having our public health systems ruined by lying charlatans without medical experience. WE love having our capital city occupied by federal troops for no reason other than intimidation. WE love vilifying the poorest and most vulnerable to satisfy our pathetic, racist, everything-phobic egos. WE love that our president is a disgusting bloated coward, because it gives us an excuse for being awful ourselves.
The truth is, I don’t really know how to live in public anymore — so I do less of it. I’m still in the fight where I can have some impact, but it gets harder with every company and college and ex-colleague that bends their knee.
Whew. Sorry for the navel-gazing. But hey, it’s my site and I get to be a downer at least once every 110 posts. Next one will have some witty observations about AI or my latest power tool or how kids don’t know how to code anymore — I promise!